If I could only remember...

"The older a memory is when it's recalled, the less activity researchers see in areas of the brain marked in yellow. This suggests that the brain's interior structures, known to play a role in forming new memories, aren't that involved in retrieving older ones.

A new study appears to explain why people with Alzheimer's disease often remember events from the distant past — but not things that happened recently."

It is strange to think there are all these memories somewhere deep inside I cannot access.   I have never had much of a memory.  No drugs to blame.   Just the way I am wired.   Have always been okay knowing that the Last Ten Minutes of memories are all that I could carry in my shallow memory pale.  I have my pictures and recordings.   I just cannot access what was said sitting next to my father at Steeler Games, or after they played taps at summer camp.   Always thought my lack of memory forced me to live in the moment.

There are triggers.  There are parts of Stephie that remind me of other parts of Stephie, places I was so happy.   Then I look at Stephie knowing we can create new memories everyday rather than resurrect old ones.  There is the smell of popcorn, or Chinese food that remind me of something, but I don't know what.   There are paintings and photographs that feel like old friends. I just cannot remember the words said...just some feelings.

Our brain must be the great trunk in the attic.   Maybe when we are old and the recent memories go away then we can remember things from long ago.  Maybe that is what heaven is - that time in your life when you can visit again with all the people you cannot remember, all the things you did and forgot.

For now I am obsessed with filling my trunk full of this next moment.     Part might be recorded with a machine or a pen. Part of it might get photographed.  Most of it little yellow marks buried deep in my brain. Then I can let go knowing I can visit all this stuff after I first forget about it.